I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM

I have read somewhere it says "Jack of All Trades, Master of None" and although I believe I can do anything, sometimes I feel like I am actually just trying hard to be someone I am not and when I fail in doing so I feel miserable. But the problem lies in the part where I would lie to myself about these feelings, where I would tell myself "look, you are not just trying hard to be someone else, you are actually being yourself" and to be honest I don't know which voice to believe, the one that tells me I am being me or or this one that says I am lying?

As a little kid I can remember wanting to know how electronics work so much. I even used to have a lot of them in my room. I would try to tear them apart and put them  together. And then all of a sudden I stopped, not that I no longer feel the urge to do those things, I am occupied by other things. I can remember also as a kid, I would use a radio recorder to record self-scripted conversations that would sound like an act when played back. I used to have so much fun recording those stuff.

At about age 14 when I knew about computers, I became very excited and so much into computing that I would spend a whole day on the computer without an internet and still not lose interest. And even right from there I would try to know so many things in computer, I would want to design, I would want to write, I would want to make a website, I would want to know the history of computer. I can remember trying to mimic the design of NTA Channel logo animation using PowerPoint back in 2005. I can also remember trying to setup a website using Microsoft Front page at about the same period.

Fast-forward to when smartphones came into my country, I became a phone guru, I knew how they worked and when internet became popular, I was among the people who would easily get the information about how to bypass the ISPs and browse for free. It meant a lot to people here on our part of the world. I can remember the very first day I made a thousand bucks from setting up free internet on about ten mobile phones.

When I grew a little bigger, I began shifting into knowing how the computer software works. And at some point I got a Cafe Attendant job at an Internet Cafe in my area. There I got the opportunity to use the computer for as long as I wanted since as at then I didn't have one. Yes, I never had my own personal computer until 2013. At the Cafe I would challenge myself, whenever I was brought a job that I never knew a thing about I would google it and there I would know how to go about it. Bit by bit I gathered a lot of knowledge about computer software and smartphone software. I began fixing software problems. It got to a point when I would have like 10 customers on my head at a time waiting to get their phones and computers checked by me. 

But when I got into the university and since I didn't have my own computer, I focused more on smartphone software settings and ISP bypass for free internet. But slowly as I was doing those jobs and I was going back home to work at the Cafe, I saved some money and bought my very first computer. It wasn't a brand new laptop though it was a second hand laptop.

With a laptop in my hand I could now do so many things even at school. So I began doing more. I started a blog titled "Complex Diary". I began writing poems, I didn't know the rules, I didn't even know if there were any rules for writing poem, I wasn't studying poetry but all of a sudden I was writing poems. I started writing a book and stopped. Also at the same time, I would repair computer software problems, make designs and do typesetting works. I was doing almost anything doable with a computer and I was getting more money. 

My first laptop being a second hand laptop spoiled very fast, first the battery died, then the screen changed color and finally the board gave up. It was the first computer I disassembled. Using guides from www.insidemylaptop.com I began to learn how to disassemble computers and then I jumped into the hardware repair line. Although I didn't know much about how the board works, and because of that I focused more on replacement and cleaning because as I later came to realize so many computer problems are related to dust and a faulty hardware that can be easily replaced. 

Fast-forward to last days of 2013 and to be exact on the 17th of September 2013 I bought my brand new laptop; HP Pavilion 2000 from www.konga.com. I ordered and made payment on delivery. With that computer at hand, I continued my work at school and began generating more money. I had the freedom to do anything with a computer at my disposal.

When I returned home after I have graduated I opened a small computer shop. At the computer shop, I offered internet services, I repaired computers both hardware and software and I even buy and sell used computers. Basically, I started doing all those things I learned in pieces. 

Business grew and I employed people, and I recently even moved to a location. But then I wanted more, I remembered I wanted to design websites when I began using computers, back in 2004/5 so I challenged myself to learn it and do it. I rented an office and learned how to design websites with WordPress. Although I have learned a little faster than I thought I would and I am still learning, I sometimes feel like "what I my doing?". I mean, I rented this space and I don't even know if I can be able to pay the rent next year since I haven't started making money yet and I have an office assistant whom I pay. Above all, I left the business I started back in 2014 to be managed by my most trusted employee.

When I was coming back from my office today, I felt like I was doing everything wrong (this was not the first time I was feeling unmotivated), I felt very unmotivated. I was reading Gary Vaynerchuk's book and I felt like maybe it is because I am trying to make money out of webdesign and I still haven't made. 

To sum-up the above, I read a post on www.huffingtonpost.com titled "The Journey of Self Discovery" I felt while reading that maybe I have been lying to myself all along, maybe I am not who I think I am. Maybe all that I have been, is my imaginary self.